Why Our Kids Don't Need Perfect Parents — They Need Present Ones

The other day, I was sitting by the pool during my kids' swim lessons when I noticed something that stayed with me long after we packed up and left.

A little girl walked over to her mom in tears.

She had been too scared to jump off the diving board.

Her mom had been working on her laptop while waiting for the lesson to finish, but as soon as she saw her daughter, she closed it and gave her all of her attention.

"But you've done it before," she said gently.

"I know you can do it."

She was trying.

She really, truly was.

But she was looking at the situation through her own eyes, not through her daughter's.

To Mom, it was just a diving board.

To her little girl, it felt terrifying.

A minute later, the girl's sister came over. She wanted to help, but instead everyone became more upset.

The sister kept explaining that she was only trying to help.

The little girl still felt misunderstood.

The mom became more frustrated because now both girls were crying.

Within a few minutes, everyone sitting on that bench looked completely overwhelmed.

As I watched them, I didn't judge that mom for one second.

Because I've been her.

I've been the mom whose mind was already full before my child even started talking.

I've sat there thinking about work...

Wondering what to make for dinner...

Remembering the laundry that needed to be folded...

The dishes waiting in the sink...

The emails I hadn't answered...

The appointments I still had to schedule...

It's all the little things nobody sees, yet somehow mothers carry every single day.

Then one child starts crying.

The other one needs something.

Someone asks another question.

And suddenly you find yourself thinking,

"Can everyone please stop talking for just one minute?"

Looking back, it was never really my children who were the problem.

I had simply reached my limit.

I think that's what happens to so many of us.

Sometimes we aren't reacting to our children.

We're reacting to the fact that we've been carrying too much for too long.

I've noticed it everywhere this summer.

At the pool.

At the playground.

At dance class.

Even walking through the grocery store.

I've seen moms getting frustrated with children who were already upset.

Not because they're bad mothers.

Because they're tired.

Really tired.

The kind of tired that isn't fixed by one good night's sleep.

Our children aren't just learning how to swim or dance.

They're learning what to do with their feelings.

And they're watching us every single day.

Sometimes the best thing we can do isn't solve the problem.

Sometimes it's simply sitting beside them.

Letting them cry.

Holding their hand.

And saying,

"I know this feels really big right now."

Sometimes they don't need us to fix it.

They just need to know we're there.

Every child is different, and you know your children better than anyone else.

One might be incredibly sensitive.

Another seems fearless but worries quietly inside.

One cries easily.

Another keeps everything bottled up.

Some need a hug.

Some need space.

Some simply need someone to listen.

There isn't one parenting style that works for every child—not even within the same family.

The more we observe instead of immediately reacting, the more we begin to understand what each child needs from us.

And here's something that surprised me.

Our children learn us just as much as we learn them.

If you ask them, they'll tell you.

They know when you're tired.

They know when you're frustrated.

They know when you've had a difficult day.

I've heard children say things like,

"I knew you were upset."

"I stayed away because I knew it wasn't a good time to ask."

Think about that for a moment.

Our children notice so much more than we realize.

Maybe we should slow down enough to notice them, too.

Instead of asking,

"Why are you acting like this?"

Maybe we can try asking,

"What do you need from me right now?"

They may not always know the answer.

Sometimes they just need to know they're safe to feel whatever they're feeling.

Over the last few years, I've also learned something about myself.

Whenever everyone starts annoying me...

Whenever every little thing feels like too much...

Whenever I feel like I just want everyone to leave me alone...

It's usually my body's way of telling me that I need a break.

Not a vacation.

Not even a weekend away.

Just five quiet minutes.

So now, I try to stop.

Even if we're five minutes late to swimming.

Even if dance class has already started.

Even if dinner has to wait.

Even if the sink is overflowing with dishes.

Even if the laundry basket is so full I can barely carry it.

None of those things are going anywhere.

The dishes will still be there.

The laundry will still be waiting.

Dinner can be thirty minutes late.

Sometimes what can't wait...

...is your child.

Or you.

The world won't fall apart because you stopped for five minutes.

But those five minutes might mean everything to your child.

And to you.

Being an overwhelmed mom doesn't mean you're failing.

It means you've been carrying too much for too long.

If you're feeling stretched so thin that every little thing feels like a crisis, please know you're not alone.

I've been there.

And some days, I still find myself there.

The difference is that now I notice it sooner.

I notice my breathing getting faster.

I notice my shoulders getting tight.

I notice myself becoming irritated with everyone around me.

That's my reminder to pause.

To breathe.

To slow down.

To remember that most things aren't as urgent as they feel in that moment.

So today...

If your sink is full...

If the laundry is piled up...

If dinner isn't ready...

If your child is having a meltdown...

Pause.

Sit beside them.

Sit beside yourself.

Take one deep breath.

The dishes will wait.

The laundry will wait.

Your children won't remember whether dinner was late.

They won't remember if the house was perfectly clean.

But they will remember whether they felt safe bringing their biggest feelings to you.

And on the days when you don't get it right—and none of us do—be gentle with yourself.

Motherhood isn't about being perfect.

It's about being there.

Learning.

Apologizing when we need to.

Growing right alongside our children.

Maybe that's what they need most.

Not a perfect mom.

Just one who keeps trying.

Because motherhood isn't about getting everything right.

It's about choosing connection a little more often than correction.

And giving ourselves the same grace we so freely give our children.

One Last Thing Before You Go...

I'm not writing this to teach anyone how to raise their children.

I'm certainly not here to tell you what's right or wrong.

Every child is different.

Every parent is different.

Every family has its own story.

My hope is simply to remind all of us—moms, dads, grandparents, and anyone caring for a child—that sometimes we need to stop.

Take one deep breath.

Observe our own reactions before we react to someone else's emotions.

Because every one of us sees the world through a different perspective.

Even our children.

What seems like a small problem to us might feel enormous to them.

And what feels overwhelming to us may be completely invisible to them.

There will be moments when your child pushes every button you have.

I've had those moments too.

But before we react, maybe we can pause for just a second.

Take a breath.

Ask ourselves,

"Am I reacting to my child... or am I reacting to everything I've been carrying today?"

Sometimes that one question changes everything.

We're all learning.

Our children are learning.

And maybe the greatest gift we can give each other is a little more understanding and a little less judgment.

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With love,

Maria
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